busy day

It's a busy day which I always want. got three projects going at the same time, i have to figure out which one is the most important. The most complicated one is the mailing list database but I haven't done anything on it since two months ago. I did feel guilty but didn't do anything either. It’s way too complicated for me to finish it on my own. The worst thing is I have nobody to ask for. So frustrated. Well, I know I need work on it piece by piece.

I don't know why suddenly, when i was talking to Sue today, I lost all the confidence from the yesterday. What we're doing right now is really helpful to rebuild my confidence? or just like Mr. Q pretending to be helpful? I changed so suddenly and quickly, am I depressed? At least, it's the sign of it.

Restart another blog in my native language today. I deleted them before because I didn't like my writing which is not interesting enough to read. But these days, I was thinking about my behavior. Why should I care whether other people like it or dislike it? I wrote what I want to say, it's for myself. I talked to Jeff who said I isolated myself too long and too much, did I?

Tina's birthday. I almost forgot it when she showed up yesterday. We had dinner together tonight and she kept mentioning she's old for this 26 year birthday. She did drive me nuts by saying that. What a big deal for the age? The most important thing is how we feel in our mind. We're young when we believe so. Mine is coming soon.

I smelled gas again and called the maintenance office to check for me. They did send someone to check it and left the message saying one small leak has been found and fixed. This is the second time in one month for the gas leaking. This apt is quite quite old, and cold.

I went to one appointment with the career service people on campus to ask for the help with my resume. She's a nice lady but didn't feel quite helpful. I might need send to some website to ask for professional editing. Be seriously looking for job now. But one thing is she said my English is excellent. Recently, I had this kind of complimentary a lot which encourage me a lot. I did realize myself that my speaking skills improved a little bit. Slow down and speak clearly. :)

Achievement

I have started to talk to Sue for several weeks for helping her consultant practicing hours. Actually I'm benefited from this practice too. With her help, I eager to rebuild my confidence. We are really working on it.

At first, she asked me to think about what I am good at and list five of them. I even couldn't give one. I was so dumb. She told me that it happened to most of people (I was thinking she tried to console me a little bit), but she insisted that I gave her at least two at that day, and worked on the rest of it.

And we tried to specify the goals that could build my confidence piece by piece. Something we talked about are: 1) speak out myself, 2)don't compare myself with others, 3)reduce negative talking to myself, 4)learn something new every day, 5)ask for the confirmation from the others.

I did seriously think about my assignment because I do want to change. Today, I told her that when I am unable to participate in the group conversation because I don't know what other people are talking about, I will start negative talking like "I'm stupid," something like that. She asked me whether I think I should know everything, I told her no. But I really don't know a lot of things. She suggested me to participate in the conversation by asking "could you tell me what you're talking about?" even about a movie I didn't watch. She believes that people will very happy to tell me, teach me. I was afraid of losing my face by asking stupid questions, so I usually keep quiet during the conversation, and learned by myself later. But at that time, even I did figure out the new things I would have some negative talking. So today, I tried. Tina showed up after her work, and they talked about the bomb accident in the west high school in the town last week. I was lost in some way and looking at them so confused. I suddenly remember what Sue told me, "put the student hat on yourself, and go to ask them whenever you feel lost." I did today. Be honest, until now, I am not sure whether this will help me or not, but I want to keep trying. At least, I learn about new things like NIH means National Institute of Health, even small things like that is better than pretending.

Sue asked me to keep a journal about what I learned new everyday so I could feel achieved. I'm going to do that in this blog, which also help me remember what I learn. I found out that I have a very bad short-memory (well, this is negative talking :). Jotting things down is good to help me accumulate my knowledge too, I think.

Another big thing occupied me whole day is LEP evaluation template. Mars had bunch of data that needed be input. Fortunately, I had chance to work on it with Chan before , so I could recreate one today by myself. It's almost done by the end of the day. Some minor modification will be okay to go tomorrow. I realized that I like this kind of achievement. Short-term task/project is very good for my personality. Each time when I finished one project, I do feel excited for a whole day because I feel I could do at least something and useful. :) Sounds so silly, but it's the way to rebuild my confidence. I'm working on it!

Even I didn't expect that, but little by little, I realized that talking to Sue is good for me. I feel comfortable to ask for the suggestion and critique about my behavior from the one who is not my close friend with partiality.

Sense and Sensibility

Directed by Ann Lee and also won golden global winner for best picture, best screenplay in 1995.

First I was surprised by Emma Thompson's screenplay. She's marvelous. Her screenplay does remain faithful to the events and spirit of the book; also add more light humor than the original text, which makes, without doubt, the movie is attractive to the audience. And her performance as the eldest girl Elinor in the family is also finely-nuanced performances. Of course, I like Hugh Grant the most regarding to the performance in the play. I kind of understand Elinor's feeling and behavior when Father died as a woman who must conceal a broken heart beneath a proper, civilized exterior. But when I saw her cried when her sister Marianne was in dangerous situation, saying "please, try," when I saw her couldn't help crying in front of Edward when he told him that he's free to ask for the love from her, I was so happy for her to express herself so emotionally and truthfully at last. Emma is full of humor by mentioning about Ann Lee who understood her better than herself. Her Golden Globe Acceptance Speech is very also remarkable. British English is so elegant! I have to say that.

I like all the performance except for one, Colonel Brandon. The actor Alan Rickman looks too old, which is still okay. But the way that he was trying to pull a long face all the time to show his bitterness, definitely makes me feel unreal. As a Colonel, I was expecting him to be cooler. Well, without doubt, Edward Ferrars staring by Hugh Grant is my favorite. As always, I liked his British gentleman scrupulousness, so cute. When I watched deleted scenes, he was trying to kiss Elinor, he said “could you...?" instead of "may I...?" adorable!

It's a happy ending as always: since then, prince and princess live happily forever.

Tornado Warning

I heard the alarm, but even not taking it serious at the first thought. I made a call to Elaine who was still cooking, I called Mars who answered me "What should we do? what should we do?" and came to my apt with pajama. I asked her to go back changing the clothes and be ready to go to the shelter when needed. She did. I'm glad that she finally listened to me at least once. And she called me back to remind me of grabbing my memory stick with all my dissertation work in it. I'm glad that she did that. I started to think about what I should take with me at this emergency situation. I still stayed at the apt, but turned on the TV. The guy was broadcasting how seious the situation is every two minutes. Tornado, was never so close to me.

I shut down my computer, and put it in the case and hided in the closet. taking my memory stick with me, I even looked for my passport, my wallet. Outside was so dark, it must be going to rain...windy, wind blew away all the leaves...I looked out the window, seeing people came to the shelter which located just in the back of my apt. I should have plenty of time to run to there...

I called Mars again, saying "I'm going to the shelter, change your clothes, meet me there." I didn't know what I should grab with me, just stepped out of my apt.

The shelter was full of people now. To my surprised, it didn't look very safe at all, but that's our only choice. Mars started to call her Mom to let her know what she could get from her apt if something really happend to her; Elaine called King who was working in the most dangerous area at that moment; I had nobody to call...nobody...just standing there

But it's not a real tonador, it's just warning. I was kind of disappointed.

Why isn't love enough?

I know it is quite artificial to start with this, but maybe, yeah maybe the end is the beginning.

Can I still see you?
I've been you?
I amuse you, but I bore you. No.
You did love me?
I'll always love you, I hate hurting you.
Then why are you?
Why isn't love enough?
---quato from 'the closer'

When the love doesn't work out, we couldn't help wondering whether the other has ever loved ourselves before? I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter anymore if love doesn't work out. But dear, it doesn't help at all.


I wish I knew how to quit ...

First step

I finally decided to restart my blog away from MSN Space, which most of time I dare not to say what I want because my families can read them. I wish I could write everything down to share with my friends who would like to bear with me, who I can share with...For my family, I want them to see my happiness all the time.

Here is my planet, with my passion, my sorrow, my struggling, my smiling...