new year resolution

graduate and find a job.

hope my dreams come true.

two ladies

sitting next to the window, coffee in the hand, I'm day dreaming again. It has been for a while to see people coming and leaving like this. I heard a lady said "are u ready for the new year? I'm ready, and ready for my 80 years old birthday tomorrow." She's loud but not annoying at all. People are laughing with her and said "congratulation!" I turned around and looked at her, to my surprised, she doesn't look like that age and is very beautiful with red hair.

___________________

on the other side of the table, there's a lady with white hair reading the book, a pencil in her hand. I moved my stuff so it would not block her. She nodded to me and went back to her book. After a while, she looked outside and meditated something from reading. Then I realized she's dozing off, quiet and elegant.

____________________

it's hard to see the people around my age, and even harder to see the people like me taking a walk all the way down to the cafe in this little town, with the computer case hanging on the shoulder and books holding in the hands. After living in the college town so long, I forgot what a big world is out there. People lives in the different life.

In chaos, there's an order

it's quite interesting that people in this house can find their stuff without any problem but i couldn't, although i'm the only one who doesn't throw my stuff around.

Keeping quiet is one way to deal with the situation people are yelling with reasons or not, fighting is another. Sometimes, ignorance is so powerful.

it's fast to say than it is to do. Good plan doesn't make sense until taking action. Part of the plan for the break has been given up for being around the people. you win some, you lose some.

I'm off today, finally!

It's always nice to have a break after a busy semester. Need more sleep, delicious food, fun, relax...

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year, to u, my dear friends, and to myself.

It's okay, life is still carrying on. Don't worry, be happy. :)

the beginning day of the winter

is here unnoticeable. the weather is beautiful that I couldn't help looking for all kinds of excuses to get out of that ugly building, just for sunshine, for fresh air. The snow is melting quickly. it doesn't look like that we will have a white christmas this year, which is okay. with the fair stars twinkling in the sky, the night is not that frozen any more.

met zia at lunch time today. he's going to texas for the holiday. i asked him when he's coming back, he said "next year." oh yeah, next year, sounds so far, but not really.

tomorrow is the last day of the work this year, finally.

olfactory organ

couldn't fall in sleep untill very late last night. around 2:00am, tossing about in bed for a while, i suddenly realized that the room was full of savory aroma, which i couldn't smell the whole night before. to my surprised, i was hungry after a big dinner like that. i even didn't drink at all, what a good girl!

m left for the home for the holiday. i'm wondering where my home is. does everyone ever have this wondering? i'm lost whenever i start asking about myself about this for a long long time. where i belong to? the place where my parents are? the place where i stayed for six years? i don't know, and somehow, i don't feel belonging. I'm the one who is wandering all the time, not that bad though.

rate my life

http://www.monkeyquiz.com/life/rate_my_life.html

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	6.5
Mind:	6.6
Body:	8.4
Spirit:	7.3
Friends/Family:	3.2
Love:	0
Finance:	7.5
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

My Life Analysis:

Life: Your life rating is a score of the sum total of your life, and accounts for how satisfied, successful, balanced, capable, valuable, and happy you are. The quiz attempts to put a number on the summation of all of these things, based on your answers. Your life score leaves room for improvement. You can make changes to improve your trouble areas, and this will bring you greater satisfaction. Focus on your weakest points and set about to change them. Do not delay your happiness and success.

Mind: Your mind rating is a score of your mind's clarity, ability, and health. Higher scores indicate an advancement in knowledge, clear and capable thinking, high mental health, and pure thought free of interference. Your mind score is not bad, but could be improved upon. Your mental health is not weak, but you are not achieving full mental clarity and function. Learn how to unclutter your mind. Keep learning, keep improving, continue moving forward.

Body: Your body rating measures your body's health, fitness, and general wellness. A healthy body contributes to a happy life, however many of us are lacking in this area. You have an excellent body score, which means you are incredibly focused on maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Continue in that focus, and your body will remain healthy and strong.

Spirit: Your spirit rating seeks to capture in a number that elusive quality which is found in your faith, your attitude, and your philosophy on life. A higher score indicates a greater sense of inner peace and balance. Your spirit score is relatively high, which means you are rewarded by your beliefs. Spirituality is clearly important to do. Never let it slip, and continue to learn and grow.

Friends/Family: Your friends and family rating measures your relationships with those around you, and is based on how large, healthy, and dependable your social network is. Your friends and family score suffers, yet it does not need to be this way. Strengthen your social network by reaffirming old bonds. Seek out new friendships, and they will provide you the reward you need.

Love: Your love rating is a measure of your current romantic situation. Sharing your heart with another person is one of life's most glorious, terrifying, rewarding experiences. Your love score is very low, indicating trouble. There is love out there for you. Seek the advice of wise people on how to go about finding it. Do not lose hope.

Finance: Your finance rating is a score that rates your current financial health and stability. You have a rather good financial score, which is not all that common these days. Keep doing what works. Avoid common pitfalls and save for the future. You will be glad you did.

NOTES:

1). It's just because I answered that I don't have any grandparents right now, I got lower family score.

2) But oh well, my love score is terribly lower, nobody will be lower than me.

3) High body score is just because I picked occasionaly work out, what a generous judger!

4) I was planning to ask for a raise, should I still go for it? Yeah, why not?

Actually, I think that the results totally depend on how you answer the questions. Be honest, I did twice. The first time is much worse than this posted above. Life is what we choose. Damn it true!

nostalgia

It's annual Christmas party again, but it's so different from the previous years. I couldn't help missing those laughing, dancing, joking and sharing moments which never happend again, I miss all the old friends. For some reason, we, all changed a lot.

Does this supposed to be when time flew away? yeah, maybe. Old friends left and new friends come, but I still hope that everything is same. People said recollecting past experiences or events is the sign of aging...it's so true.

This must be a long long holiday season...don't beat me down

Nothing new

to post these days, too bored...:(

I was talking to my mom, "why I couldn't be happy?" she told me be patient and keep working, when I get my stuff done, everything will be fine... I doubt it. But what I could do? nothing! I'm getting crazy now

Winter is here

It's snowing today. Outside is quite pretty with flakes dancing all around. Winter is coming eariler than ever, and colder than ever.

LOOK AWAY by Chicago

Well, you called me up this morning
Told me 'bout the new love you found
Said, "I'm happy for you.
I'm really happy for you."
Found someone else, I guess I won't be coming 'round
I guess it's over, baby
It's really over, baby,
And from what you're saying
I know you've gotten over me
It'll never be the way it used to be
So if it's gotta be this way
Don't worry, baby, I can take the news okay

But if you see me walking by,
And the tears are in my eyes,
Look away, baby, look away.
If we meet on the street some day,
And I don't know what to say,
Look away, baby, look away.
Don't look at me
I don't want you to see me this way.

When we both agreed as lovers
We were better off as friends
That's how it had to be
Yeah, that's how it had to be
I tell you I'm fine,
But sometimes I just pretend
Wish you were holding me,
Wish you were still holding me,
I just never thought
That I would be replaced so soon
I wasn't prepared to hear those words from you
I know I wanted to be free
Yeah, baby this is how we wanted it to be

Happy time

Happy birthday, Lorena! it's a little bit late, but we did have fun, didn't we? Such a wonderful time, and of coz, handsome waiter. :P

Mars

When Mars called me, I just came back from Wal-Mart. I need change the tire and the front side marker light is broken too. It took me about $90. Anyway, this car is old and I have to prepare for any replacement expenses on it. :(

Back to Mars. She asked me whether I ate already, I said no. She's on the way to my apartment with KFC. My garsh，that is she. Once she decided, she would do it without asking about my opinion. Of course, we had a big lunch and I still feel full at this moment. When she left, she was mumbling something I didn't catch it. Since Chan left the office, she became the one who mumbles all the time. I was wondering whether she still remember her own complaints about Chan's mumbles. Anyway, I changed my clothes and packed the food which she left half for me in the oven, and got ready to sit down. She came back again. I was surprised. I knew she's busy in her writing this weekend and trying to get chapter2 done. SHE BROUGHT A HEATER BACK! I was totally moved without any words. This is SHE! She must feel cold when we had lunch before. My apt is not very warm because the heating system is quite old here. Most of time, I stayed in the bedroom where it feels better.

The Heater is in my bedroom now. I still don't know how to describe my appreciation to my dear friend. For a long time, people keep telling me that the relationship between the people in the States is quite distant and indifferent. But it's not true for me. All the friends I meet here are so warm-hearted and tolerant. Sometimes, they kind of indulge in my silly behaviors. I was asking myself whether this is just because of my luck. I must say people in the world, eastern and western, have so much common no matter what cultural background we grow up from, what experiences we had, we are same to pursue the peace, the friendship, the love, the caring... isn't it beautiful?

Little Y

Mars came to ask me why I scolded that little girl, Y. I said I didn't scold her but teach her how to behave. Mike's daughter came to my office with one jar of yogurt. When I asked her whether it's hers, she didn't answer my question. Then I knew that she got it from the refrigerator in the public break room without anyone's permission. I told her "Hey, Y, if it is not yours, please put it back." She was kind of scared me at the first time because I'm always very nice to her. She didn't say anything after she came back to my office later; I looked at her and decided to talk to her as adult to adult, although I knew she's only 5 years old.

Two weeks ago, she got some chocolates and told me she got them from the school. I was kind of suspected but didn't check with her carefully because I was busy at that moment. Later, her dad came to tell me that she took all the chocolates from one of my colleagues without any permission. I was kind of sad with her lying. Something reminded me of my childhood and I realized that it's time for this little girl to learn something about honesty.

I still remembered once when I was very young, my dad was preparing for the dinner in the kitchen, I wanted to go out to play with my buddy. I was kind of scared that he would not let me go out so I tried to sneak out the house. Unfortunately, Dad saw my sneak and stopped me before I was out. I was so embarrassed and dismayed. To my surprised, Dad didn't scold me at all at that moment. He asked me why I need sneak out instead of WALK out. I told him that he might not allow me to do that because I had not finished my homework yet. Dad said "I'm glad that you know what the priority is. If you feel guilty, you should finish your homework first next time. But I also want to you that even if you haven't finished your homework, and when you want to play with you friends, you don't need to sneak out the house. Just tell Dad the truth, you're good to go. I don't like your sneaky way. Be an honest one. “I was very embarrassed at that time. Later after that, I realized that is an important lesson to me-- to be honest.

Y was not happy with my words at the first, I knew it. But she still stayed with me silently in the room. I decided to put my things aside and talk to her again. She was almost crying at that time, but she did agree with me at last and started to smile. She didn't know something I didn't tell her is more serious than what she did. We had food missing for a while and if someone in charged knows what she did, her dad must be in trouble. You never know what the consequences for your behaviors, sometimes it could be beyond your imagination and unbearable.

Sometimes, it’s just a little piece of moment that we learn about the big philosophy, isn’t it? I do appreciate my dad to stop me that day. It was embarrassed but I learn from that. Nobody is perfect but at least we're learning. I wish little Y would realize it one day.

busy day

It's a busy day which I always want. got three projects going at the same time, i have to figure out which one is the most important. The most complicated one is the mailing list database but I haven't done anything on it since two months ago. I did feel guilty but didn't do anything either. It’s way too complicated for me to finish it on my own. The worst thing is I have nobody to ask for. So frustrated. Well, I know I need work on it piece by piece.

I don't know why suddenly, when i was talking to Sue today, I lost all the confidence from the yesterday. What we're doing right now is really helpful to rebuild my confidence? or just like Mr. Q pretending to be helpful? I changed so suddenly and quickly, am I depressed? At least, it's the sign of it.

Restart another blog in my native language today. I deleted them before because I didn't like my writing which is not interesting enough to read. But these days, I was thinking about my behavior. Why should I care whether other people like it or dislike it? I wrote what I want to say, it's for myself. I talked to Jeff who said I isolated myself too long and too much, did I?

Tina's birthday. I almost forgot it when she showed up yesterday. We had dinner together tonight and she kept mentioning she's old for this 26 year birthday. She did drive me nuts by saying that. What a big deal for the age? The most important thing is how we feel in our mind. We're young when we believe so. Mine is coming soon.

I smelled gas again and called the maintenance office to check for me. They did send someone to check it and left the message saying one small leak has been found and fixed. This is the second time in one month for the gas leaking. This apt is quite quite old, and cold.

I went to one appointment with the career service people on campus to ask for the help with my resume. She's a nice lady but didn't feel quite helpful. I might need send to some website to ask for professional editing. Be seriously looking for job now. But one thing is she said my English is excellent. Recently, I had this kind of complimentary a lot which encourage me a lot. I did realize myself that my speaking skills improved a little bit. Slow down and speak clearly. :)

Achievement

I have started to talk to Sue for several weeks for helping her consultant practicing hours. Actually I'm benefited from this practice too. With her help, I eager to rebuild my confidence. We are really working on it.

At first, she asked me to think about what I am good at and list five of them. I even couldn't give one. I was so dumb. She told me that it happened to most of people (I was thinking she tried to console me a little bit), but she insisted that I gave her at least two at that day, and worked on the rest of it.

And we tried to specify the goals that could build my confidence piece by piece. Something we talked about are: 1) speak out myself, 2)don't compare myself with others, 3)reduce negative talking to myself, 4)learn something new every day, 5)ask for the confirmation from the others.

I did seriously think about my assignment because I do want to change. Today, I told her that when I am unable to participate in the group conversation because I don't know what other people are talking about, I will start negative talking like "I'm stupid," something like that. She asked me whether I think I should know everything, I told her no. But I really don't know a lot of things. She suggested me to participate in the conversation by asking "could you tell me what you're talking about?" even about a movie I didn't watch. She believes that people will very happy to tell me, teach me. I was afraid of losing my face by asking stupid questions, so I usually keep quiet during the conversation, and learned by myself later. But at that time, even I did figure out the new things I would have some negative talking. So today, I tried. Tina showed up after her work, and they talked about the bomb accident in the west high school in the town last week. I was lost in some way and looking at them so confused. I suddenly remember what Sue told me, "put the student hat on yourself, and go to ask them whenever you feel lost." I did today. Be honest, until now, I am not sure whether this will help me or not, but I want to keep trying. At least, I learn about new things like NIH means National Institute of Health, even small things like that is better than pretending.

Sue asked me to keep a journal about what I learned new everyday so I could feel achieved. I'm going to do that in this blog, which also help me remember what I learn. I found out that I have a very bad short-memory (well, this is negative talking :). Jotting things down is good to help me accumulate my knowledge too, I think.

Another big thing occupied me whole day is LEP evaluation template. Mars had bunch of data that needed be input. Fortunately, I had chance to work on it with Chan before , so I could recreate one today by myself. It's almost done by the end of the day. Some minor modification will be okay to go tomorrow. I realized that I like this kind of achievement. Short-term task/project is very good for my personality. Each time when I finished one project, I do feel excited for a whole day because I feel I could do at least something and useful. :) Sounds so silly, but it's the way to rebuild my confidence. I'm working on it!

Even I didn't expect that, but little by little, I realized that talking to Sue is good for me. I feel comfortable to ask for the suggestion and critique about my behavior from the one who is not my close friend with partiality.

Sense and Sensibility

Directed by Ann Lee and also won golden global winner for best picture, best screenplay in 1995.

First I was surprised by Emma Thompson's screenplay. She's marvelous. Her screenplay does remain faithful to the events and spirit of the book; also add more light humor than the original text, which makes, without doubt, the movie is attractive to the audience. And her performance as the eldest girl Elinor in the family is also finely-nuanced performances. Of course, I like Hugh Grant the most regarding to the performance in the play. I kind of understand Elinor's feeling and behavior when Father died as a woman who must conceal a broken heart beneath a proper, civilized exterior. But when I saw her cried when her sister Marianne was in dangerous situation, saying "please, try," when I saw her couldn't help crying in front of Edward when he told him that he's free to ask for the love from her, I was so happy for her to express herself so emotionally and truthfully at last. Emma is full of humor by mentioning about Ann Lee who understood her better than herself. Her Golden Globe Acceptance Speech is very also remarkable. British English is so elegant! I have to say that.

I like all the performance except for one, Colonel Brandon. The actor Alan Rickman looks too old, which is still okay. But the way that he was trying to pull a long face all the time to show his bitterness, definitely makes me feel unreal. As a Colonel, I was expecting him to be cooler. Well, without doubt, Edward Ferrars staring by Hugh Grant is my favorite. As always, I liked his British gentleman scrupulousness, so cute. When I watched deleted scenes, he was trying to kiss Elinor, he said “could you...?" instead of "may I...?" adorable!

It's a happy ending as always: since then, prince and princess live happily forever.

Tornado Warning

I heard the alarm, but even not taking it serious at the first thought. I made a call to Elaine who was still cooking, I called Mars who answered me "What should we do? what should we do?" and came to my apt with pajama. I asked her to go back changing the clothes and be ready to go to the shelter when needed. She did. I'm glad that she finally listened to me at least once. And she called me back to remind me of grabbing my memory stick with all my dissertation work in it. I'm glad that she did that. I started to think about what I should take with me at this emergency situation. I still stayed at the apt, but turned on the TV. The guy was broadcasting how seious the situation is every two minutes. Tornado, was never so close to me.

I shut down my computer, and put it in the case and hided in the closet. taking my memory stick with me, I even looked for my passport, my wallet. Outside was so dark, it must be going to rain...windy, wind blew away all the leaves...I looked out the window, seeing people came to the shelter which located just in the back of my apt. I should have plenty of time to run to there...

I called Mars again, saying "I'm going to the shelter, change your clothes, meet me there." I didn't know what I should grab with me, just stepped out of my apt.

The shelter was full of people now. To my surprised, it didn't look very safe at all, but that's our only choice. Mars started to call her Mom to let her know what she could get from her apt if something really happend to her; Elaine called King who was working in the most dangerous area at that moment; I had nobody to call...nobody...just standing there

But it's not a real tonador, it's just warning. I was kind of disappointed.

Why isn't love enough?

I know it is quite artificial to start with this, but maybe, yeah maybe the end is the beginning.

Can I still see you?
I've been you?
I amuse you, but I bore you. No.
You did love me?
I'll always love you, I hate hurting you.
Then why are you?
Why isn't love enough?
---quato from 'the closer'

When the love doesn't work out, we couldn't help wondering whether the other has ever loved ourselves before? I keep telling myself that it doesn't matter anymore if love doesn't work out. But dear, it doesn't help at all.


I wish I knew how to quit ...

First step

I finally decided to restart my blog away from MSN Space, which most of time I dare not to say what I want because my families can read them. I wish I could write everything down to share with my friends who would like to bear with me, who I can share with...For my family, I want them to see my happiness all the time.

Here is my planet, with my passion, my sorrow, my struggling, my smiling...