Achievement

I have started to talk to Sue for several weeks for helping her consultant practicing hours. Actually I'm benefited from this practice too. With her help, I eager to rebuild my confidence. We are really working on it.

At first, she asked me to think about what I am good at and list five of them. I even couldn't give one. I was so dumb. She told me that it happened to most of people (I was thinking she tried to console me a little bit), but she insisted that I gave her at least two at that day, and worked on the rest of it.

And we tried to specify the goals that could build my confidence piece by piece. Something we talked about are: 1) speak out myself, 2)don't compare myself with others, 3)reduce negative talking to myself, 4)learn something new every day, 5)ask for the confirmation from the others.

I did seriously think about my assignment because I do want to change. Today, I told her that when I am unable to participate in the group conversation because I don't know what other people are talking about, I will start negative talking like "I'm stupid," something like that. She asked me whether I think I should know everything, I told her no. But I really don't know a lot of things. She suggested me to participate in the conversation by asking "could you tell me what you're talking about?" even about a movie I didn't watch. She believes that people will very happy to tell me, teach me. I was afraid of losing my face by asking stupid questions, so I usually keep quiet during the conversation, and learned by myself later. But at that time, even I did figure out the new things I would have some negative talking. So today, I tried. Tina showed up after her work, and they talked about the bomb accident in the west high school in the town last week. I was lost in some way and looking at them so confused. I suddenly remember what Sue told me, "put the student hat on yourself, and go to ask them whenever you feel lost." I did today. Be honest, until now, I am not sure whether this will help me or not, but I want to keep trying. At least, I learn about new things like NIH means National Institute of Health, even small things like that is better than pretending.

Sue asked me to keep a journal about what I learned new everyday so I could feel achieved. I'm going to do that in this blog, which also help me remember what I learn. I found out that I have a very bad short-memory (well, this is negative talking :). Jotting things down is good to help me accumulate my knowledge too, I think.

Another big thing occupied me whole day is LEP evaluation template. Mars had bunch of data that needed be input. Fortunately, I had chance to work on it with Chan before , so I could recreate one today by myself. It's almost done by the end of the day. Some minor modification will be okay to go tomorrow. I realized that I like this kind of achievement. Short-term task/project is very good for my personality. Each time when I finished one project, I do feel excited for a whole day because I feel I could do at least something and useful. :) Sounds so silly, but it's the way to rebuild my confidence. I'm working on it!

Even I didn't expect that, but little by little, I realized that talking to Sue is good for me. I feel comfortable to ask for the suggestion and critique about my behavior from the one who is not my close friend with partiality.